BalckHoleSun's Xanga

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 01:36:20 GMT

I used to think: but I really crave for it, why is nothing helping me at all? Why is it so cruel? Why do I feel so helpless? If only….If only….If only….

After some troughs that I’ve surfed through, I have come to realise that no one owes me anything. I do not have the inherent right to lay claim to a certain thing, a certain emotion, or feeling. Me craving for it is not a good enough reason for something to happen. If even the Han dynasty can crumble, I’d be able to take a few disappointments. Such is life.

Today I feel rather unwell. I feel so melancholy that I am having problem putting a smile together for my colleagues. I craved to go home. I want to just sit in my room and listen to songs and write and hum along and let my mind roam freely and see where it takes me. But I have made promises about things that I have to produce. Responsibility dictates that I have to forego my won cravings.

And so I labour on.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 10:56:30 GMT

I would like to cook for the people that I care about. Every small step, every minute detail, meticulously and carefully executed. It makes no difference to the taste, but at least I’ve poured in my all. And I do hope that when she samples the food, it is not only the aroma that she’s inhaling, not only the taste that she’s analysing. It’s the warm intentions and care of preparation that counts. For although I am very passionate, I might be caught wanting where ability is concerned.

I can’t help but smile as I flip through the latest issue for Gourmet Traveller: Wine. I bought it wanting to read a bit about the better reds this year. To my surprise, it also includes pages upon pages of cooking recipe: Coq Au Vin, Oysters with Champaign Gratin, a good simple steak…My favourites, really. Dishes simply prepared with red wine as sauce or marinade, slowly grilled/stewed to perfection.

Now all that I need is someone whom will share my joy and enthusiasm. And maybe help out with the dishes at the end.

And in a night like this, a most quiet and elegant of a winter’s Friday night, it makes the craving to cook and pamper almost overbearing. But it is pointless to do a Coq Au Vin for myself. I guess I’ll settle with a bottle of red and catch the night view on the balcony. And hum softly to tunes formed at the spur of the moment, hoping that it reaches you, no matter where you are. And you’d derive comfort out of it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 03:43:52 GMT

In my dream things are uncomplicated. Winter nights are not harshly cold and I’d still be taking short walks; out of the confinements, into the unknown.

In those dreams we walk through to the end of winter, and then we’ll share an ice cream.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 11:43:28 GMT

I’m floating in the void after a few wines. Tolerance has gone down, yes. But that’s good. It’s healthy. I don’t want to be a drinking machine anymore. There’s something else that’s worth more than a bad set of liver.

It was my buddy’s birthday bash. It was great to actually see people around. It was great to be able to observe at people while munching on sincerely prepared food.

As life spirals towards the unknown, it was always great to be able to sip in the simple pleasures of life.

I am half drunk now and there’s this unbearable urge in me to just regurgitate out all my thoughts into a stream of consciousness.

I’ll only spill a little. I’m not supposed to leak anything at all.

There’s someone that I miss. Is she the sort that only blooms into your life for a few days a year? Unforgettable in her fleeting appearances. So natural and graceful in her dignified beauty that you are basked in a comfy warm glow.

Only when she’s gone did you realise that you cannot do without. That something is missing.

Like cherry blossom

This taste good…it is almost perfectly cooked. Why do I feel sad when I ate it?

Because of the sorrow my dear. It is there for everyone to taste.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 08:40:39 GMT

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Monday, June 27, 2005

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 12:14:01 GMT

And now is the time to decide, since my housemate has decided to move out.

Stay, or move on to a new place?

Shatter this comfort zone and meet have a new bunch of friends. But can i afford that? There are a lot of things going on...

All this petty petty little things, the butterfly effect, the fear.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 05:22:44 GMT

'I know you are high now baby, guess what i'm spinning as well, and i'll try to kiss you baby....please hold back that lump in your throat. It's only the dinner that you ate. Don't let it out, not when i'm so close...'

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 14:42:56 GMT

Loneliness sings, weariness listens. Heartache beckons. Do you like the sound of that? I do.

Although i feel fine, nowdays there's cold in the sunshine.

When the wind comes, confronting me blow by blow, I wish I have the warmest of attitude to see me through.

I'm as cold as my surrounding lately.

Where have i been?

I don't know.

But I want to be a superhero

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 22:26:21 GMT

In the video store. I was browsing, deciding what to get for the weekend.

The girl at counter (GAC) was chatting to female friend (FM) about social ills in Melbourne that they have encountered.

Having decided on a few titles, I stood behind FM, facing GAC, waiting to confirm my rentals.

GAC looked at me.

GAC: FM, that’s Rachel’s boyfriend.

FM jolted, turned around, looked at me with bulging eyes, and turned back to GAC, throwing her a long hard look.

GAC, sensing the distress, looked at me, then asked carefully.

GAC: She is your girlfriend right?

I can only smile gingerly, a bit weary of the situation, and shook my head, telling the audience that its been two weeks since I can claim that.

FM: Yeah no wonder, I only saw her two days ago…

I made smiling gingerly and red-hot blushing face an art.

And GAC kept apologising to me, which is even more agonising.

She ended up giving me the wrong version of one of the titles, no doubt panic stricken.

As I slowly come to my senses, I realised that this is really a very funny episode. I laughed despite myself on my way out.

Two days ago FM saw her. I can’t get hold of her so I don’t know how she’s been. If she’s still hung up about the whole thing, at least this time its mutual, both sides agreeing that it won’t work, hence I’m sure she’ll be over it in no time. If she’s found someone new, I can only wish her all the best.

Like an ex seldom does, but they really ought to.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Sat, 28 May 2005 08:22:57 GMT

The key to live is to be comfortable with what you have and do not have.

I bitch about people and I’m comfortable with that. If you feel guilty about it, what’s the point? If you know its malicious, its not gonna feel comfortable. The fact that you are comfortable means its no big deal. Unless you are a psychopath. But that’s the rare exception.

I’m comfortable with my life as a PhD candidate. Simple living and all. I gain some, and I lose some. I am content that I have unrealised potential that I have not tapped, and I am comfortable with the fact that perhaps I never will. I tried, but it takes more than effort sometimes. I am happy with that. I dun burden myself with what if’s. It is a waste of time.

I’m comfortable with the fact that I have probably let go of one of the most important and wonderful thing in my life. I do regret it, but if you are comfortable with the regret, good riddance will shine through.

Live with hope, optimism, and quiet confidence. Don’t be a blaring spotlight. Be a satin lamp. Its comfortable, for yourself and for other people.